


i need a condom

by LittleMissRainbow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bokuto is a little shit, Condoms, Hinata and Kageyama are innocent little idiots, KuroKen soothes my withering soul, Latex, M/M, Misunderstandings, PeTA gets involved eventually, Rubber, damn you schoolworks, it's not what you think it is i swear, kinda based on real experience, mass text anyone, scared you didn't i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:50:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissRainbow/pseuds/LittleMissRainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's not what you think it is i swear<br/>PS: don’t tell Kageyama pls</p><p>or a College AU where volleydorks Kageyama and Hinata are roomies, Kuroo and Kenma are boyfies (kinda), and Bokuto is a little shit who tries to get everyone to join the KageHina chorus</p>
            </blockquote>





	i need a condom

**Author's Note:**

> i couldn't sleep last night and this would not leave me alone so here ya go
> 
> KageHina doesn't happen (kinda), but it's definitely the start of something.  
> EVERYTHING STARTS WITH RUBBER. OR BALLS.
> 
> UnBeta'd. I claim any and all errors (unless they were intentional).  
> Rated T for the suggestive themes.  
> Probably a bit OOC. Maybe a lot. I blame college. /shot

Hinata Shouyou sighed as he blew warmth into his frostbitten hands, trying his best not to shiver as he trudged up the steps to his dorm room. Flecks of snow danced in his vision, floating down his face and freezing his red-tinged nose. He impatiently batted those away.

Snow started falling early this year. Normally, this would turn Shouyou into a happy little chipmunk—nothing gets him going more than a snow-filled day with hot cocoa-induced sugar rush and socially-approved off-court ball fights.

But that was then, and this is now.

He just started his first year of university this year. While he had volleyball to keep him sane, he had to work twice as hard on his studies to maintain his scholarship. He was lucky enough to have gotten scouted as it is. Not to mention that if he slacked off, Kageyama would have his head.

Which brought him to his current predicament: walking alone during a cold winter's night from the coffee shop ten blocks away, just after a meeting with his group mates. Apparently, his Social Science classmates were way too prissy to brainstorm about their report in the Students' Activity Center like everyone else. Even though their topic was quite… well, _delicate_ , that wasn’t enough reason to make everyone trek down the slush-covered road and into the deserted coffee shop just to make sure that no one would be able to hear them.

Shouyou, in a moment of unfiltered thinking (then again, when has he not?), announced his decision not to go in predilection to a much needed revision in College Algebra (though, in truth, he was actually planning to catch up on sleep). This led to Kageyama chucking him out of their room without as much as a "bye" as it was a "don't let me see your ugly mug for two hours or so help me, dumbass Hinata".

One of these days, Shouyou just might smother the guy in his sleep and it would solely be the university's fault for rooming him with Kageyama.

He sighed. Shouyou didn't even know where this was even coming from. Either this came from the pressure of being a college student, or just a result of having too much exposure to Kageyama. Maybe even both—he couldn't really tell anymore, nor did he have time to care. There was so much to do and so little time to do it.

He didn't really know what to do about it—all this cynicism. Back in the day, all this negative energy was reserved to Karasuno's former ace. The difference was, Shouyou didn't have the dependable Nishinoya-senpai patting his back, nor did he have the formidable Daichi-san to keep him in line. Perhaps Kageyama could fit that bill, but he and Shouyou were always at odds with each other that the famed setter’s insults hardly ever riled him up anymore outside the court.

Kind of.

"I'm home," he called out tiredly as he toed his shoes off, making sure to leave the all the snow outside lest his roommate goes on a killing spree.

Their room wasn't that big; there was only enough space for two people who didn't need any semblance of privacy. Their beds were placed on opposite sides of the room (read: their territory; no trespassing!), along with their personal belongings, study tables and whatnot. Dividing their spaces is the round dinner table on the center of the room—which the aforementioned roommate was currently utilizing for schoolwork—and the decade-old fridge by the small kitchen sink.

Kageyama didn’t even look up; he merely grunted once to acknowledge his arrival before resuming his furious scribbling on his notebook.

It was like living with a temperamental monkey, Shouyou mused.

Kageyama hadn't changed much since high school. Sure, he'd grown a few (infuriating) inches and he was a lot more talkative now than he was then, but he’s still the same old grumpy butt who scowls at nothing and everything during his free time (read: whenever he isn't playing volleyball). He was the same guy who competed with him in all things (even now, they still race every morning to the communal bathroom like hyenas chasing a wildebeest to see who could shower faster—much to the Resident Adviser's displeasure), not even once thinking that Shouyou wasn't a worthy opponent (with the exception of that fateful meeting three years ago, of course).

The same guy who pretended not to sulk when there wasn’t egg on his pork curry, and who got undeniably excited at the prospect of extended practice when everyone else just wanted to go home; the guy who was all _gwahh!!_ with his jump serves and _fuwaah!!_ whenever he tossed the ball. He was still the Kageyama who made him a promise—a promise that he intended to keep until they reach the very top.

_“As long as I’m here, you’re invincible!”_

Shouyou worried his forehead. He was already out of the cold, so why were his cheeks still warm? Was he getting sick maybe? (He made sure not to say that out loud; it would only ruin the truce with Kageyama and they’d spend the whole night bickering again.) He made a mental note to drink one of those vitamins his mother had hard-nosed him into bringing with him before he went to bed later tonight.

"Do we have anything in? I'm starving," he said, carelessly flinging his book bag to the corner with a mute _thud_. He opened the refrigerator only to find half a pickle, an empty carton of milk and an old Chinese take-out that now looks like toothpaste. "Seriously, why do we even _have_ a fridge?" he mumbled to himself.

He wasn't really expecting an answer, but he got one anyway. "Well, _someone_ forgot to buy groceries last weekend."

Right. It was Shouyou's turn to restock the pantry, but he got sidetracked by the volleyball game on TV. Of course, Kageyama was also there, the two of them cheering like twin banshees whenever Japan scored a point. Now, any normal, sane person would've just apologized and go out to buy dinner as an act of contrition. However, this was _Shouyou_ —and he was talking to _Kageyama_.

"Well, whose fault was it that I got distracted? _You're_ the one who turned on the TV!"

"HAH?! How is that _my_ fault?! I didn't tell you to sit down! Stupid Hinata!"

"HAAAH??!!" Hinata pointed at the taller boy. "Just who are you calling stupid, stupid?!"

"You looking for a fight??!" Kageyama threatened, getting up and into Shouyou's face.

"Bring it on, you turd!!!"

Suffice it to say, Shouyou later found himself standing under the freezing winter sky for the second time that day.

 

* * *

 

 

"Kenma," Shouyou whined to the boy sitting next to him, looking as miserable as the level 20 monster that his friend was currently beating up. "What should I do? I still have homework to do, but I can't just go back there. Kageyama's gonna kill me!"

After he was locked out of their room, Hinata decided to head to the next dormitory and give the ex-Nekoma setter an impromptu visit to complain about his roommate—an occurrence that had happened so many times already, Kenma could conservatively say that it was already a routine. Even Kuroo agreed with him; in fact, it surprised him more whenever a week passed by without him hearing the _chibi_ moan about the genius setter at least once.

 _Guess you missed him again, Kuro_ , Kenma thought wryly. Then, apathetic as ever, he replied, "Then go apologize," as he mercilessly stabbed the ogre to death. It gave one last growl of despair before the words "BOSS DEFEATED! LEVEL-UP!" appeared on the screen, accompanied by oodles of neon confetti and gold stars flying everywhere.

“Haven’t you been listening to me? He’s going to _murder_ me.”

Kenma pressed the ‘start mission’ button. “Then I’ll be at your funeral.”

“Kenmaaaaaaaa…”

Noting that his friend’s distress levels were already reaching an all-time high, he put his phone down and shrugged at him. “Why don’t you just apologize through mail then? If he’s really mad at you, then you could stay here tonight. Kuro could just bunk with me tonight.” _Like he does every night,_ he would’ve added if Shouyou wasn’t so delicate.

“But I still have work to do,” he insisted.

The older boy raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you want to just go back, then?”

Hinata took his phone out and started typing faster than Kenma could blink. Going back to his game, it took less than two minutes before he heard the _ping_ in Shouyou’s phone. Curious, he took a discreet look at Kageyama’s reply.

 **.**  
From: Kageyama  
**To:** Hinata  
**Subject:** okay

                i’m going out be back later. key’s under the rug.

**.**

Kenma tried to hide his relief as Shouyou looked at him happily, inserting a little I-told-you-so in his default expression. A past conversation with Kuroo concerning the two popped unbidden in his mind, and it took all he had in him to stop his lip from twitching upward.

_Something about two crows building a nest together..._

 

* * *

 

 

Hinata walked the few steps to his bed and flopped face-down, groaning into his comforter. He felt as if it’s been such a long day, and it was barely 7:30. Just as he was seriously considering melting into his mattress, his phone announced the arrival of an e-mail.

 _Kageyama?_ he thought as he flipped his phone.

It wasn’t; it was from one of his group mates from earlier. Shouyou remembered him clearly because the guy reminded him of Kenma—who treated his phone like it was a part of his arm, too. That, and he also dyed his hair blond, except Suzuki’s hair was lighter in color.

 **.**  
From: Suzuki  
**To:** Hinata - SocSci  
**Subject:** (no subject)

                About the report tomorrow, you know how we planned on demonstrating safe sex by showing that documentary on YouTV? Well, apparently, the video’s been deleted by the owner so we’ll do it manually instead. I called the banana, so you bring the condom. Thanks.

**.**

Color exploded on Shouyou’s face like the Fourth of July.

_I wou—I—uh—I’m gon—I—wha—_

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH???!!”

He blinked at his phone to confirm that he wasn’t going crazy. Did he actually tell him to buy a c-con-con—

“EHHHHHHHHHHHHH???!!!!”

 **.**  
From: Hinata  
**To:** Suzuki_SocSci group  
**Subject:** (no subject)

                i have a pickle here. can’t you just buy the condom?

**.**

Well, he wasn’t lying; he really _did_ have a pickle in the fridge. Granted, it was cut in half (he internally winced at that; he may be willing to use it, but the mental image chipped away at his soul a little bit), but _still._

Shouyou desperately waited for the reply. 5 minutes passed, 10 minutes, 20—Suzuki couldn’t have made his rejection to the counterproposal clearer than a simple “no.” Kenma was the same when he was trying to get him out of the dorm.

_Wait. Maybe Kuroo-san has one!_

He knew nothing about Kenma’s love life (it was probably as nonexistent as his), he was pretty sure his roommate has a healthy one. With all the innuendos he spouted (Kenma automatically smacking him on the back of his head after each one) and the looks he got around the campus, Shouyou was pretty sure the lanky guy was in a relationship. He was in luck; just as he was about to leave their dorm room earlier, Kuroo came in—snow-infested bedhead and all.

 **.**  
From: Hinata  
**To:** Kenma  
**Subject:** Kuroo-san’s number

                can i have it?

 **.**  
From: Shouyou  
**To:** Kenma  
**Subject:** Kuro’s number

                For what, if you don’t mind me asking?

**.**

Shouyou sent it before he could lose his nerve.

 **.**  
From: Hinata  
**To:** Kenma  
**Subject:** Re: Kuro’s number

                i need a condom

 **.**  
From: Hinata  
**To:** Kenma  
**Subject:** (no subject)

                it's not what you think it is i swear

                PS: don’t tell Kageyama pls

**.**

_Crap._ In all his jittering, he sent Kenma separate messages. It'd be beyond embarrassing if Kageyama found out about this, after all. He might think Shouyou was some kind of weirdo, condom-hoarder or something and kick him out of their dorm room for good. (He'd freeze to death!)

He just hoped that Kenma wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

 

* * *

 

 

**8:06 PM.**

A concerned student entering the lobby reported hearing weird noises coming from one of the dorm buildings. She told the Resident Adviser about hearing a faint sound that closely resembled a cat choking on a fur ball, followed by a boisterous laughter that scared crows from the distance.

The RA eventually managed to calm the student down and assured her that the management would investigate on the matter.

 

* * *

 

 

After receiving Kuroo’s number from Kenma (strangely, his reply wasn’t as quick as it usually was; maybe Kenma got caught up in a game?), he immediately sent him an e-mail about his request. Not even a minute later, his phone buzzed.

 **.**  
From: Kuroo  
**To:** Chibi  
**Subject:** Sorry

                I ran out. I’d give you my last one, but I’m using it. Guess you better just buy one yourself.

**.**

It was sent with a cheeky winking emoticon. Hinata tilted his head slightly; he didn’t really get it, except that he had to buy one himself.

On his own.

ALONE.

Well, he supposed he could call Kenma, but he shook his head. He’d been bothering Kenma for a while now. And who knows? Maybe he was busy. This was something he had to do on his own. If Kageyama were here, he’d call Shouyou a coward push him to the store himself.

Speaking of Kageyama, where was he? It been an hour since he’d last seen him. Where exactly did he go?

Oh, well. That was the least of his concerns. If Kageyama were being butchered to death by now, Shouyou didn’t doubt at all that he would come back to life and scare the hell out of his murderer. Now, if Kageyama was back at the gym, practicing alone… well, that was kind of a letdown. He could’ve invited him to come. Was he really mad, after all?

Hinata shook his head. _You’re getting off-topic._ He grabbed his jacket and a few yen before marching down the stairwell, determined to grab this challenge by the—well…

Balls.

(Literally.)

 

* * *

 

 

By the time he got to the convenience store (not the one across the street, but the one near the mall; he glared at the coffee shop he was at earlier when he passed by it), he couldn’t stop his fidgeting. What if somebody he knew sees him? What would they say? _If they found out that I’m only buying the condom for school, would they actually buy it? Man, it would be pretty lame if they_ did—

“Good evening, welcome to Sakano Shita. How may I help you?”

A bored, adenoidal voice jolted him out of reverie, almost making him jump in surprise. The clerk, who was probably in his mid-thirties, looked like he would fit better in a gas station placed in the middle of nowhere than here. He looked as done with his life as he sounded and that wasn’t even the half of it.

Well, at least he finally found someone who’s a lot more terrible store clerk than Coach Ukai. He had a bet about that with Tanaka-san, if he remembered correctly…

“Hey, brat. Are you gonna say something or are you just gonna stand there like an idiot?”

Yup. Definitely worse than Coach Ukai. Shouyou took a mental note to send him a card or something for Christmas this year.

Hinata cleared his throat. “W-Well, you see…”

“Yeah?”

“I need a… uh…”

The man raised a furry eyebrow.

“A… um—”

The man sighed. “Look, kid.” He pointed at the sign behind him. “That won’t work on me. I can’t sell booze to minors, alright? So, if that’s all—scram.”

His eyes widened. “Wha—no! I wasn’t trying to buy alcohol!”

“Then what?” came the irritated reply. “I don’t have all night, kid.”

“Uh…”

He gave Hinata an impatient look.

“Um, I…”

The man started tapping his foot behind the counter, his beer belly becoming even more prominent when he crossed his arms in front of him—as well as the food stains on his shirt (was that chicken or tuna stains?).

“Uh—!”

“What?!”

“I need a condom!” he blurted out.

 _There. I said it._ His mouth was about to curve into a smile when the clerk laughed—no, he cackled. Shouyou was pretty sure question marks had popped above his head as he wiped his eyes with unshed tears. _What’s wrong with him?_

The man let out a breath, looking incredibly entertained. “Sorry, _kid_ ,” he emphasized with a string chortles. “I don’t sell rubbers to minors, too. Come back here when you graduate from high school, buddy.”

“Hey! For your information, I’m a college student! In fact, I go to the university near here!” Shouyou let out an indignant huff. The alcohol, he got; he wasn’t of legal age, yet. But it was completely legal for him to buy… latex! (He checked.) Just because he wasn’t that tall! This was a clear discrimination against… people who are not that tall!

The clerk gave him a disbelieving look. “Really? Can I see your ID?”

“Yeah! It’ll show you—!” _Oh, crud._

He gave Hinata a condescending look. “Yeah?”

Of all things to forget!

“Forget about the ID. I really am legal. I’m 18 years old! I was born on June 21—”

“I don’t want to hear your life story, kid. You know what they say: no ID, no… well, I can’t sell you condoms. Got it?”

“But—!”

“Hinata?”

A new voice joined their conversation, a voice unknown to the clerk but incredibly familiar to Shouyou.

“Hinata?” he asked again, confused at the palpable tension between the two guys before him. He was holding a basket full of goods, shifting it to his left hand as he took his earbuds out with his right. “What are you doing here?”

“Kageyama!” Shouyou was so happy to see him. He felt like he was forgetting something, but that didn’t matter anymore. Kageyama could help prove his case! “Tell him, Kageyama!”

“Tell him what?”

Hinata put his fists on his hips in a triumphant pose. “Tell him that I’m legal!”

“Legal—wha—?” This only served to make him furrow his brows even more.

The man behind the counter turned to look at Kageyama, his eyes showing his deep exasperation. “Are you his boyfriend? Would you mind telling him that while it’s great that he’s got guts, that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t sell condoms to boys under 18!”

“WHAAAAAT???!!!!” Both boy’s cheeks bloomed like red roses in spring. If he weren’t being so inconvenienced (he still hasn’t finished eating his dinner, dammit), he would’ve laughed at the priceless looks on their faces.

“What are you talking about, old man?!”

“Just what have you been telling this guy? And _what the hell_ do you need that c-c- _condom_ for!” Kageyama squeaked (yes;  _squeaked_ ). “Hinata, you _dumbass_!”

“Wha—?! Who’s the dumbass? Maybe _you’re_ the dumbass!”

“I dare you to say that again, you imbecile!”

“Who are you calling an imbecile, huh?! You wanna have a go with me?!!”

The store clerk sighed, a sound lost beneath the loud duo. Instead of wasting his breath trying to tell them to shut up (it’s not like they’d hear him with all the bickering they’re doing), he sat down and put on his earphones, pressing play on the hidden DVD player showing _Dinosaur Ball Y_ as he finished what was left of his dumplings.

Yup. He couldn’t hear them at all with these explosions.

 

* * *

 

 

Eventually, Hinata and Kageyama exited the convenience store—one bag of snacks and toiletries for Kageyama (“Stop fussing! I got some for you, too!”) and a paper bag with a small box of condoms for the red-faced Hinata.

Bokuto, who was having his daily night run, happened to pass by and saw the two of them trying to start another World War, so he came in to say “hi” (or “bye”—whichever). He was able to confirm Hinata’s age to the clerk and got him to sell him the latex. (To be honest, the clerk didn’t really care anymore; Boxers was telling Kogu about the coming of the Automatons and that was all that mattered.)

Bokuto left the combi to their own devices without any word about their purchases, which Shouyou was eternally grateful for. He wouldn’t know how to live with the humiliation if Bokuto-san teased him about the rubbers. Kageyama wasn’t as at ease—the devious smirk he saw on Fukurodani’s former ace did not at all bode well for either them.

The awkward silence that sat on them like a family of elephants was broken by Kageyama’s tentative question.“Hinata?”

“Yeah?” He cleared his throat, digging his butt further on his mattress.

“Why did you buy condoms?” For some reason, Kageyama couldn’t meet his eyes.

Shouyou swallowed a large heap of what could be a frog in his throat. He felt flush, but he didn’t really know why. _I really need that medicine, STAT._

“Well… it’s actually kind of a long story…”

 

* * *

 

 

Kuroo was mindlessly twirling Kenma’s hair in his hand (“Are you thinking of dyeing your hair again? The blond’s already halfway through your hair.”), with Kenma burrowing further into his chest, purring contentedly, when Kuroo’s phone beeped.

Someone sent him an e-mail.

Kenma watched him open his lock screen with bleary eyes, looking a bit putout at the interruption. He peeked at the screen. “Who is it?”

Kenma’s phone buzzed faintly from somewhere on the floor—probably under his shirt.

 **.**  
From: Bokuto  
**To:** Akaashi Keiji, Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi, Oikawa Tooru, Tsukishima Kei, Kozume Kenma, Iwaizumi Hajime, Sugawara Koushi, (+ 34 others)  
**Subject:** Look what I found~

                They’re finally taking the next step just like we all thought they would! *So proud!*

                [download attached image]

 

* * *

 

 

**10:57 PM.**

Phones at PeTA’s Hong Kong and Manila’s branches have been ringing off the hook.

Numerous residents from Japan have been calling in nonstop. Apparently, they’ve been hearing weird animal noises—owls hooting in a strange staccato, cats wailing and screeching, crows… well, _crowing_ in a rather disturbing fashion—accompanied by rowdy, unforgiving human belly laughter. While some of the callers asked them how to shut the animals up, a multitude of them expressed their genuine concern over the welfare of these creatures; a few of them even suggested lifetime imprisonment to whomever got caught torturing these poor animals.

PeTA guaranteed them that justice _will_ prevail, and that the people causing all this chaos will indeed pay.

 

* * *

 

 

Hinata and Kageyama shivered in unison before shifting and turning over their beds, deep in slumber. After the night they had, all they wanted to do was to pretend like it never happened and just have a good night’s rest for school and volleyball practice.

If only it were that easy.

 

**Author's Note:**

> a show of hands who actually got the references and lame attempts at trying not to violate copyrights and/or patents, etc *banzaaaai*
> 
> also, why doesn't Japan have its own PeTA branch?
> 
> laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex  
> practice safe sex everyone
> 
> (i tried okay)


End file.
